The Art of Consensus
I have a new “friend”. He is a “conservative” and I am a “liberal”.
Some of our “conversations” have turned into a debate. He says what I assume he will say and I say what he expects to say.
So the first tripping point is premature assumptions..The second tripping point is “I know best”. The third and most lethal to consensus is “I”.
So let’s start with the third. Stop sending “I” messages. What this does is stops or at least damages any decent consideration of the other.
Another enemy of consensus is anger. The fact of a conversation in a restaurant for example is not a life or death thing most of the time.
Anger stops compromise by turning discussion into intolerance of a point of view of your opponent.
The list of possible hurdles to a consensus are large.
So a beginning of consensus is to talk about the hurdles first.
The first rule is all messages have WE in them….no I’s allowed.
The second rule is if one or the other gets angry, you call for an immediate time out…with absolutely no talking!
So once you have read the above then pick a topic to discuss. The topic cannot have anything to do with politics. I mean nothing.
Talking about things that you might have in common is essential, and should occupy the first session or so.
Lastly, go to lunch, dinner or even for a drink to end the first day.
Next, session 2, talk only about your family, wives, husbands, children, grandchildren are best topics. Pets count too. Above all no politics, or economics or whatever is the most divisive.
But no discussion of this until later.
Next session 3, talk about the best thing that has ever happened to you. Negative things are out. Talk about your family, listen to your partner (note) and his/her family….Laugh and tell a few jokes as well about your family…or pet animal.
Next session 4. Yes it takes time, so don’t hurry. If you sense, or he/she senses it is fruitless…then try this….what can you live with. I mean is the differences you may think you have have strangely disappeared…For example you may find that your friend may like golf or tennis, or movie going or whatever…
Next session 5, begin talking about the issue you need consensus about. I guarantee after sessions 1–4 you will find it much easier to attain.
And then try to talk to get to yes and not to no!
If that doesn’t work, then politely stop for a while.
Look, human beings are not computers…we have emotions and primate behavior; ie., like the apes we came from, we sometimes will fight…but usually not to the death….only mankind does that.
Finally, if this doesn’t work don’t contact your fellow person for two weeks then start all over again.
And none of this takes place over the Internet or via telephone. All of it must be face to face and even better in a small group…no more than even number and each “side” must be the same number: five conservatives and five liberals for example….
Consensus is hard work. Too often we react to talking to the television. I find myself sometimes screaming at the TV when a conservative says something I disagree with….nothing destroys consensus more than that.
I truly believe that our present T.V/Internet world is poison for human relations and dangerous.
In a time of atomic weapons it is downright scary; and is a real life stimulus to working to find consensus.
The world depends on it…